He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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