she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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