dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
