Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
