She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
