I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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