So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
