4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
