You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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