She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
