I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
