I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
