Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
