Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
