I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Let's paint friendship bongs
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
