Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
