I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
