well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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