we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I believe in your delicious
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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