Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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