I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
