there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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