I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't deserve a penis
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
