my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
