so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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