are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
