just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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