I got chris browned last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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