i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have fence marks all over my body
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
