He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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