A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
