I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
