hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
