We're facebook friends in real life
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize