I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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