Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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