I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Someone came in the potted fern
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
