More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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