literally had 100 drinks last night.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize