youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this just has baby written all over it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
