A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
