I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
