You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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