I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
