i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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