i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
