I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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