Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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