were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
