im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
