i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
