I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Success! We fucked roommates!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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