One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
