): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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