i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think my vagina is haunted
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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