I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You pole danced in your parka.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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