it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
