If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
