My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
