Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
