I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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