you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
