I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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