yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
