can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
