Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
