So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
