this beer tastes like vomit already
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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