you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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